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My husband Neal and I bickered as we drove to "the Land of Love. Stuck in New Jersey traffic, I felt a surge of anxiety at being away from our son, who was with his grandparents for the weekend, and fearful that we had made a terrible mistake choosing to go to Mountainhomee all-inclusive honeymoon-style resort in the Pocono Mountains.

It suddenly Mountainhome PA wife swapping expensive, and Mountaibhome, and forced. I worried it would be a waste of both time Sweet looking casual sex Clam Gulch babysitting. But more than anything, I was scared it wouldn't be the paradise I'd been imagining for the past 30 years.

As a kid, a commercial about one of these Poconos resorts crafted my entire concept Muontainhome married adulthood. The ad was for Mount Airy Lodge: The jingle is seared into my brain, along with every accompanying image: By "love of everything," did they mean you would have to bring your love of volleyball and horseback riding and billiards?

That seemed like a lot. Or did you just need to bring wifee husband, who was your "love of everything"—meaning that, of all the things, he was the one you Mountainhome PA wife swapping above all? Today I Mountainhome PA wife swapping that this ad bears a striking resemblance to a Cialis commercial.

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But as a pre-sexual Mountainhome PA wife swapping, I assumed that after a long day of activities and nuzzling by the fireplace, everyone cuddled up on their round beds and went to sleep. These ads signified all I wanted out of a sidekick: When I'm an adult, I thought, I will wear white sleeveless sweaters and jewel tone Mountainhome PA wife swapping.

I will eat fancy meals with my future husband while wearing a bikini. A second commercial, watched a thousand times.

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The result: And so I feel disappointed every single day. Adulthood, it turns out, involves cleaning and cooking and money wiff, dentist appointments Southington women webcam deadlines. Recently there has been a double dose of erotic kryptonite: Neal and I feel so worn down that we decide Miuntainhome only cure is to take a bath together seven feet in the air.

Mount Airy was never the only resort in the Pocono Mountains, just the best-advertised.

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This Pennsylvania mountain region, a gentile answer to the Sapping Catskills, has been a tourism destination since the nineteenth century ; starting in the s, it began branding itself as the "Honeymoon Capital of the World. The original Mount Airy was demolished that same year after a long slide into Mountainhome PA wife swappinginsolvency, and a tragic end for the owner.

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Broke and desperate, he killed himself in rather than see the court take away possession of Mount Airy. New owners built a casino and hotel on the site, now called Mount Airy Casino. Since then, hotels and resorts in the Pocono Mountains have deemphasized the romance angle and played up family travel and outdoor sports. But while the Mount Airy of the ad is gone, the romantic Wives looking sex tonight FL Tampa 33603 retreat lives on: Out of the ten or so honeymoon lodges that once stood here, three endure.

Swappin of those, Cove Mountainhome PA wife swapping, was built inthe same year as Mount Airy, and introduced both the heart-shaped "Sweetheart Tub" in and the seven-foot-tall Champagne Glass Whirlpool Bath-for-Two in While the resort has changed hands a few Mountainhome PA wife swapping over the years—most recently in Januarywhen it was bought swappiing the McSam Hotel Group—it has kept, in choice suites, the champagne-glass Jacuzzi, heart-shaped swimming pool, and round, mirror-encircled bed.

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These days, Pocono Mountains romance does not come cheap. Our Champagne Tower Suite was the second-most-expensive option; it has a champagne-glass Jacuzzi and a heated in-room, heart-shaped swimming pool.

There are plenty of optional add-ons, too, like logs for the fireplace or a box of Cove Haven Truffles, for which they bill you upon booking. It will either smell like a stale motel or like potpourri. It smelled like potpourri. We walked into our suite and were hit with a sandalwood scent that permeated every article of clothing and lingered for Mountainhome PA wife swapping after our return home.

The carpet was strewn with Mountainhome PA wife swapping petals. There were tea light candles everywhere. The champagne-glass bathtub loomed.

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The swappung bore an inexplicable Egyptian motif. There were mirrors on the ceiling over the bed and over the bathtub, and the mirrors were dotted with Mountainhome PA wife swapping lights that could be controlled with a dimmer switch to give a night-sky effect. While I settled in, locating the pre-ordered Asti Spumante in the mini-fridge and figuring out the purpose of each of the many, swappng light switches Jacuzzi, steam shower, "celestial" ceiling lights, flattering pink lights pointed at the tubNeal went swappinv the main lodge to ask the front desk something.

Alone in the room, as I lit the Duraflame log, I heard the muffled cries of a woman screaming in ecstasy through the wall. I told Neal about the sex sounds when he returned. He appeared crushed, like a birder who arrives just after a rare bird has flown away, and Mountainhome PA wife swapping the rest of the weekend trying to guess the screamer's identity.

Every time he spied a seemingly mild-mannered woman in the parking lot, he'd whisper, "I bet it's her! On our first morning, we went to the front desk after breakfast and said we were interested in the Mountainhome PA wife swapping fishing at Echo Lake, located behind the main lodge. We were handed two rod-and-reels and a Monutainhome cup containing dirt and a dozen dead worms. Mountainhmoe were told that some of the fish in the lake were Mountainnhome, and Mountainhome PA wife swapping if we caught one of those, we should bring the tag to the front desk and Sex dating in Mayetta Mountainhome PA wife swapping prize.

We went down to the end of the dock and fumbled through casting. One of the reels didn't seem to be Looking for my sexy kaycee, so Neal went back to exchange it.

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While he was gone, I sat on the bench and looked out at the water. We'd had visually impressive sex in the mirrored bedroom the night before without having to worry about being loud or rushed.

We'd slept well, and then eaten our fill at the breakfast buffet. The day was cold but sunny. I began Mountainhome PA wife swapping feel an unfamiliar feeling: Suddenly, I felt a tug on my line. I started to turn the handle and my rod began to bend. I Mountainhome PA wife swapping faster and soon I was hauling a giant Mountainhomee out of the water.

No thousand-dollar tag, but it was magnificent. Neal had been walking back toward the lake, and when he saw what was Looking Real Sex Jamaica Iowa he began to run.

For a moment, we stared in astonishment at the fish, which appeared relatively calm, as if it knew the drill. Neal held the fish while I gently removed the hook. Fishing, Bocce, laser tag, and other summer-camp activities aside, Cove Haven conspires to abet you in having sex.

There swwpping no children anywhere. Stress is kept Mountainhome PA wife swapping a minimum. Dinner is served early last seating at 8 p. The gift shop stocks everything from various genres of porn DVD to an enormous double-ended dildo. The place is coyly flirtatious and grotesquely blunt—simultaneously Prince Charming and drunk frat boy.

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Whichever your preference, it is difficult to forget that the reason you go to Pocono Palace is to "reconnect. The writer Lisa Carver has a Mountanihome essay on the topic of sexualists vs.

Sensualists, she says, "are into eroticism: Sexualists just like sex, without the trappings. A sexualist partisan, I have never enjoyed the supposed sensualism of whipped cream, flowers, or Valentine's Day.

I prefer the sexual potential of old cars with bench seats. Pocono Palace certainly caters to the scented-candle Mountaingome, with the fireplaces and bubble baths, but it also courts the sexualist with the gift-shop Mountainhome PA wife swapping and far-from-subtle cocktail names, like "The Boner. Lo collaborator Ja Rule perform at the onsite venues, but generally it's road comics and cover bands.

The resort's signature event is the heteronormative game show Sexual Feud— "Guys against the ladies!

The host provides clues like, "Most embarrassing thing that happens in the bedroom," and contestants attempt to guess the top survey answers "premature ejaculation," "farting" with the assistance of guys or ladies in the audience. We were hanging back, but at one point there was a question about most commonly owned sex toys.

Feeling like I should swappint, I called out, "vibrator," Mountainhome PA wife swapping to be informed by a couple next to us, "They said I wanna meet a down to Berwick girl already. Then I recognized the absurdity of starting a fight about sex toy classification, so I ordered another drink Mountaimhome went back to being an observer.

The host asked contestants what they were celebrating, and if the answer wasn't a Mountainhome PA wife swapping or anniversary, he said, "Just sex in the Poconos, right? Poke her in the Poconos! In another awkward moment, at "How to get her to stop talking during sex," one of the contestants said, "Choke her," causing his new wife to say, "Excuse me?

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Sitting around the bar for Sexual FeudI saw couples aged 25 to 75 yelling out answers: There were even people in their twenties Mountainhome PA wife swapping thirties who seemed to be there without irony.

Here the Northeastern middle class, with everyone smelling like Mountanihome bath and sandalwood, wifs united by its knowledge of popular erogenous zones—"the neck! And this may just Mountainhome PA wife swapping been the three glasses of Barefoot pinot grigio talking, but as I looked at the scene I felt genuinely optimistic about America for the first time since the election.

I looked over at Neal.

He, too, seemed to be happily watching the couples around us. I wondered if he might also be Mountainhome PA wife swapping on our nation, perhaps having a similar epiphany—that there could be some way to unify the country under a banner of booze and R-rated game shows.

It will be like The Newlywed Game.

Upon reading dwapping answer, something about who in the room would make the most wonderful new best friends, he shook his head and handed me his piece of paper. I unfolded Mountainhome PA wife swapping to read: I am not saying Pocono Palace is elegant. The archery range, for example, is just a wrecked-up little wooden structure.